Brave

When I was pregnant with Elanora, the only thing that was constant was the way I was feeling and how my body felt, was always changing. I would get used to feeling the wiggly little baby, who was continually moving. Then I would wake up one morning and I would have a strange pain in my side. Nora went from wiggly to kick boxing and a belly that had grown seemingly impossibly more.

 

When we brought the Lil' Miss home I was terrified. I had no idea how to take care of a baby (interesting enough, even though I've gone through this before, I'm still terrified to bring another squishy, little, love home).  Knowing my mothering skills were lacking, how could I be comfortable tackling this crazy new adventure?

 

Lucky for me I had rock steady Chris and a stubborn, determined nature that had resolved to not screw up this beautiful babyface too much. And of course love... ahhh cheesy, sappy parts!  It helped that Chris and I know how to sit back, enjoy the ride and have fun doing it.

 

 

I was unprepared for how much I could love this little perfect angel. How my emotions could be so invested and wrapped up in her well being and happiness.

 

Again, as she changed and grew almost daily from brand new quietly sleeping baby, to colic and acid reflux riddle, seeming to never stop crying, into happiest, smiliest girl in the world, my only constant was change.

 

So, I wonder why in the world would I be surprised yet again for another change, another phase.

 

Nory has an independent streak that has been intact since birth. Never wanting to be cuddled or rocked. Doing everything so early. When I drop her off at my mom's she hardly even waves as she bounces off to the sandbox to make "cakes". Until one day she woke up and decided she was terrified to leave Chris or my sight. Literally one day she could care less where we were and the next, she was crying at my mom's house when I walked from the sandbox to the porch, while Grandpa and her cousin were still in the sandbox. What in the world!

Nursery...yikes! She absolutely loved nursery and could hardly wait the entire week to go back. She sang all the songs everyday. So how sad we were when out of the blue it was the end of the world when we dropped her off.  My cold, cold heart completely broke when I saw the look of terror in her eyes. How could I abandon my baby girl? We couldn't. I wrapped her in my arms and didn't let go.

This last Sunday, Chris and I were more fully prepared. We had a plan. We knew it would be tragic but my little lion heart is brave and would be okay...but would I?

We went to church, business as usual. My heart pounding in my chest. Chris's uneasy face up front. Both knowing what was to come. I silently prayed. I got an answer, it wouldn't be easy but it would be okay. I felt peaceful.

It wouldn't be easy was an understatement. Chris and I dropped her off and instantly the flood gates opened, she reached for us saying, "no nursery". We made the hand off quick and said "we love you baby, have fun in nursery". Then I hid right by the door and listened in anguish as my beautiful baby cried for me. My heart crying along with her. Wrapped in my friends loving arms she cried for 2 minutes, then wanted to play. Not one problem, not one care in the world. All the while I sat in Sunday School and Young women's panicking thinking she needed me, but she didn't. Every time the door would open my worried eyes would watch, making sure it wasn't her. Chris did the same. We were sweaty, ulcer filled parents.

I left young woman's early, to pick her up. She slowly sauntered over, holding a picture she had colored saying, "I colored Joseph Smith" and jabbering about the songs she sang, the toys she played with and the snacks she had. Extremely happy and maybe proud of herself. She did something hard, something scary...My brave little lion heart.